Why.
After the initial 'look at the freaks try and sing, LOOK AT THEM, LOOK AT HIS UGLY FACE' amusement of the first few rounds, I can barely bring myself to be in the same room as it being on TV.
It's honestly not an issue of snobbery or "I used to be in a band, this is bollocks this - proper corporate bollocks, it's not proper ART", it's just the whole wrapped up stinking shit parcel of a program that makes me want to throw up in my cupped hands and then splash it back into my face to keep myself focused and awake.
I'll tell you what I have issue with shall I? it's alright, you need not respond as I know you want to hear what I have to say on the matter.
- The fake electronic light show. Like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, I know that the stage show, the lurid LED and neon retina fest that greats you, complete with booming authoritarian voice and 1000watts of Carl Orff blasting out are designed to trick your tiny brain - a virtual lobe tickling, to prepare you for the onslaught of ENTERTAINMENT. The Ghostbusters had Ghosts, this has Ghouls. ENTERTAINMENT GHOULS.
- The premise that this is a talent show - It's not. It's a visual representation of media manipulation to ensure you think that you have decided and paid for the winner to have a wildly successful career from this point onwards. That's mental talk that. Any potential "winner" has a 50/50 chance of jacking up in an alley to mute the pain of failure in less than a year. Case in point: Steve Brookstein. Clearly now a herion addict (probably isn't actually a herion addict).
- Talent/Impressionists show. "Ok, well done, you're in the final 27, now what I want you to do is stop singing the way you sing, and sing like this fella instead. Urrrgh, that sounds terrible, ok, try to sing like Robbie Williams, or Michael "sings-like-William-Shatner-speaks" Buble" You've got a great voice. So great, they will change it, and make you sing like someone else...who had a better voice than yours. Usually someone the public already likes, and buys records of. Not you. You jumped up little shit. You don't know NUFFIN.
- 'The Judges' standing ovations. Reserved for sycophantic celebrity guest act (matters not if they were shithouse or not) and performances from their own championed acts. Everyone else - fuck off.
- Corridor commentary from Judges between acts shown on Sunday's episode - do they really walk to and from imaginary locations between every Saturday act? on a live show? where you can see that they don't? Giving you a load of voice wank about how "Simon is scared" "Joe was awesome tonight" "Louis is a big fat arsecandle" etc. It's bollocks. Really.
- Heart string yanking - dead Mum/Wife/Dad "they always told me to pursue my dream, without question, even though I'm shit and they hated my singing while they were alive" "This is for them - it's all for them". Bollocks it is - they hated you when they were alive for wasting your life warbling your way through the Carpenters back catalogue and ruining the last days they did have. If they were alive now they would punch you in the face. On TV.
- The "going back home" featurettes as you near the final. They've not been in a trench in the fucking Somme dodging mustard gas and picklehaubs for 4 weeks - they've been holed up in a crystal and polished steel London flat attending the premiere of the latest Disney porno and being prescribed leather hooded waistcoats by the appointed stylist to allow them to appear "edgy" for the rock special this week. A hero's welcome not required, bunting OTT. Banners and fancy Marks & Sparks biscuits with the good china for Mr Cowell will make him loathe your pitiful lives no less. As soon as he gets back into his Rolls Royce he'll make himself throw up those morsels you know.
- Visit back to contestants old school - vox pops with old teacher. Fuck off if they can remember you from 7 years ago - you were just another little turd fucking about in their lessons. How many losers do you think they actually saw who said they were "going to make it"? Them prattling on now about how much of a star you were - THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, it's all about the OFSTED inspection next year- you attending means that technically the kids are staying for extra curricular activities which looks good on the books. "Cultural exhibition" it'll be noted down as, not "That dippy bird from X Factor came to visit"
- The "MILLION POUND RECORD CONTRACT". You don't get a million pounds. Seriously. You get someone who is introduced as your PA, but who's actual job is to tell you what to do say and think for every second you are awake. The million pounds will pay their wages, studio time for your "album", promotional works and Cowell's scrotum shaving sessions for the next week. You will be fed (Soylent Green style food cakes formed from the carcasses of previous "winners", calorie controlled because you're already too fat) and given clothes that you WILL wear. You don't need money anyway as you won't have time or permission to spend it.
- The "winners song". Recorded and ready to go before you win: "Oh, and we did one for that other fella who didn't win, just in case he did. But he didn't, you did. Just sing it into that, and look at the camera while we shoot the video with images of your "journey" projected onto a giant cock in the background....... Ok, we'll leave the cock out. No, not your cock. Put that away. In fact, can we get that removed? He won't be needing that, we'll provide a stand in - Bernie, see if you can get Ann Summers to do a corporate tie in will you? tell them there's £100k in it for them......yeah, exclusive coverage of their branded strap on for any kiss and tell stories that we publish......thanks babe"
- The year long hiatus after the winner, wins. So they put one single out, then they disappear for a whole year? then they put out another single and album as long as they have complied with Cowell Co for that year. Guaranteed thinner, less articulate and more robotic. Clearly the drugs. Given to them. By the PA. To stop them trying to escape. Their record deal.
I hear the arguments. But clearly as I know I am 100% correct in all things, and that anyone with an opposing view is 100% wrong and a conformist fool, I need not go into them. Anyway, I have to go and download Rage Against The Machine in an effort to keep X Factor from being Christmas number 1. I got told that if enough people do it, it might work. So I'm spending my money to download a track I already own so I can run with the heard to end mindless mass conformity by all doing the same thing together for no good reason.
Hold on a minute.......
