It's not the X Factor, it's another talent show (Just like the X Factor).

Watching the latest TV vomit offered up (usually by ITV) where we are subjected to a troupe of hopeless council estate knife wielding little cunts who think they can escape their poverty doomed lives through the medium of street dancing, singing, magic tricks or whatever the fuck else they think will give them a change makes me want to attack my own torso until it bleeds sense into my eyes. And that would be really hard, for a start I would probably have to be upside down for the blood to trickle into my peepers.

I occasionally look up from my laptop while the wife watches the latest lurid shit fest and observe seconds of the latest pricks trying to escape their parents loosing streak by showing off.

Problem is, most of them are fucking shit. And the ones that aren't are...no actually they are all shit. I'll start with some examples shall I?

Diversity.
Oh. My. God. A load of young men not selling drugs or merking each other on the streets, instead they are DANCING, to MUSIC!! This is brilliant! I mean here they are, an example to all young men - instead of fist fights and Lambert & Butlers smoked under a Nike hooded top, they get their aggression out through crazy fast moves and pre 1990 Janet Jackson stage wear. It makes you dream of a modern Britain where rival gangs fight it out via the medium of dance rather than bazookas. It's like West Side Story for the 21st century, apart from that bit in West Side Story where one of them gets proper stabbed up - that's bad.

So these fellows - here they are. No formal training, and they encompass all ages (if you are under 25) and all races (not actually all races). And what they do is amazing - they take popular tunes, edit them into bite size sausage roll style little segments and then do a little skit while the music plays. They will twizzle around this way and that, jerk their limbs to the beats as is the style these days, and then usually take the smaller one (with the ironic hairdo and surgically attached glasses) and throw him up in the air or make him to a rolly polly right at the end. Sometimes he even does BACKFLIPS over the rest of them while they lie in a heap on the floor.

Now the first time you see that shit, it actually looks kind of good - the "picking up change" arm movements up and down at the floor and the modern interpretation of jazz hands making you feel all happy for approximately 0.2 seconds.

But the important thing to remember, and you must never forget this is that this is the one and only time that being honest, they are any good. And they are only any good because you have never seen them before. Now it becomes like an episode of Eastenders - like the omnibus on Sundays - you would never EVER watch the same episode again because you have already seen it. You never watch the same episode of Eastenders twice. No way.

Shame no one actually exercises this control after the very first time they saw Diversity. Instead they were encouraged to do it again. And again. And again. And again. So much so in fact, that I now wish that they were out on the streets and selling crack to toothless hookers and shanking each other outside mediocre nightclubs. Just like any other kids their age.

Unfortunately this doesn't happen. And we are forced to endure more jaunts with them all doing their thing. And it never changes. Oh, the music changes - there are now more edits, more samples of random robotic chatter and less actual music, but they still do the same flurry of jerky moves followed by a bit where they stand still, and then throw the little one up in the air much to the whooping of the crowd.

Now they did variate the show just once, which was actually very entertaining - instead of the usual jumping of the little one they chose to "accidentally" drop him so that he landed on his face. That was worth watching.

Usually in these mixed "talent" shows that lead up to one group of clowns winning there are some other generic groups you can always rely on:

1. Youngish multiple fat dancing girls
10+ girls from youth centre project in council sink estate dressed up as the cast of Thriller. Mentored by a failed dancer/Mum

2. "Comedy" act.
Looser dad, thinks he's funny - does it at family parties so why not on national TV?

3. Really young kid.
Young. Really young. Sometimes still with the umbilical cord left on. Pushy parents and doting grandmother standard.

4. Ugly beast - good singer.
You know the drill.

5. Ventriloquist
Once you are over 2 years old and you realise it isn't the fucking puppet talking, it's the cunt holding him, there is no need for this "talent" to exist. Being able to hold a weird half-smile and talk out of a tiny crack of your mouth, sorry, make your puppet friend talk, isn't impressive. Shooting yourself right in the face with a massive shotgun and THEN making it talk would be.

Now apart from the X Factor and Britain Has Got Very Much Talent there are also copious other fuckfest cuntogrames that infect the goggle box with no sign of let up. So far I have witnessed at least the following:

• Celebrity Ice Dancing - mediocre barely known cunts, cunting about on ice skates. ALL ice skating/ice dancing is just shit with no exceptions so why bother with this?
• I Want To Be In A Lloyd-Webber Musical - load of cunts trying to sing their way to happiness with the worlds ugliest rich cunt judging. Oh and he gets richer from you watching and voting you idiots
• Come Dancing (you cunt) - give it up Bruce. You aren't funny, people are laughing at you out of 50 years of conditioning. I bet he pisses himself on stage next season. Again this is a collection of random TV types ballroom dancing. Ballroom fucking dancing. Please
• That Other One on Sky 1 with Davina - more cunts with no discernible talent and pushy parents trying to get in the local paper. From what I saw all the really really terrible shit that was so bad it couldn't even get into the Britain/Talent thing

That's the last I'll say on talent shows, as it appears that this blog is obsessed by them.