Shopping. Fucking shopping.

It's not a new thing to write about, far from it in fact.

Everything about shopping eats shit. Unless I was shopping on my own in a post apocalyptic world (minus zombies or plague victims or anything) when it would be perfect.

The main thing about shopping that eats shit is other shoppers - horrible ghouls who insist on doing everything I want to do, but at 50x slower and with zero consideration for me or my feelings.

I like lists and bullet points, so I'll use them again. And if you don't like that then I can understand your feelings and the like, but, well, that's tough isn't it because this is my blog isn't it shit tits?

1. The doors
On the way in there should be rules. Clear rules. Like when you go to enter the shop, you enter via the left hand side of the doors, and people coming out come out via their left hand side as well. That way you don't get random pricks trying to edge in past 30 people coming out with trolleys and vice versa - trolley nobs trying to smash their way out.

2. Parking out the front
Just park in a fucking space you lazy prick. Just because Auntie Ethel is going to struggle dragging her bulk buy of Birds Eye Platter for One across the car park doesn't mean that you can park your Megane right in front of the store - that's why they give you trolleys, so you can roll your shit out to your car. When you park there you fuck it all up for those people who are lucky enough to have finished their shopping and want to go home. MOVE CUNTS.

3. Abandoned trolleys
I will make you a promise right here - if you leave your trolley randomly in the middle of the fucking isle while you go to look at seed bread or hot dogs then I WILL move it out of my way, and not with any sense of tidiness or order - it will just get rammed the fuck out of my way. This drives my wife mental with a sense of severe embarrassment. So I ram her the fuck out of the way too. I don't take prisoners in this game.

4. Reduced goods vultures
Funny how when crossing the road or looking for a suitably-close-to-the-doors parking space you old bastards are so infirm and fragile, yet when a spotty oik puts some crumbed ham or 200 sardines in a plain white bag for 12p less that the normal price, you turn into a scavenging warrior. Woe betide anyone who tries to get near the reduced counter. Grannies operate a NO GO area around that little fridge of despair when anything worth having is around. Just pay full price and get the good stuff, then you don't have to eat it all when you get home as it's going off that night. Pikeys.

5. Beady eyed security dudes
Get a real job. Just because the Army (both normal and Territorial) didn't want you doesn't mean you are some kind of super sleuth. Don't give me the beady eye as I walk into your poxy shop, there is fuck all worth nicking anyway. Just get back to your weird little TV mounted in some fiberglass plinth with an Atari joystick on the front to direct your horrible little cameras around your kingdom.

6. Single file only
Don't walk 2 or 3 abreast you fucking idiots - you're in a shop not a parade. If you walk 2 abreast and I'm headed towards you, guess what? I'm not going to move and I couldn't give a fuck whether you are 85 years old or not, you're getting bashed out of the way.

7. "Oooh, hiya Irene"
Listen up - the corner of the frozen goods isle is NOT the place to hold that impromptu catch up with some old cunt you haven't spoken to for months. You are already with your husband and so are they, and you both have trolleys so guess what? you all standing in the same fucking place not moving anywhere means that you are creating a big fucking jam, that I have to try and get around (usually at this point with a trolley so fucking heavy that you have to go faster than it around corners to make it steer) and I'm not going to be happy about that. MOVE CUNTS.

8. Tills (a)
When you get to the till then as far as I'm concerned you have finished your shopping and now want to pay. This means that you know that denture glue you forgot? that tin of peas? THEY ARE GONE NOW - a distant memory. You forgot them, you are now at the tills, so let it go. Either get the FUCK out of the queue and go get them, or forget them. You fucking off to go look for them while I wait behind your trolley with nothing going on is going to mean one thing only - I will punch your loaf of nice fresh bread until it is misshapen and horrible. And while I am doing that I'm pretending that it's your face.

9. Tills (b)
Get your money ready BEFORE you need to pay.
That's right - mental idea, but how about you actually get that fucking great big purse out of your handbag BEFORE the cashier has finished scanning and told you how much it is? then instead of standing around wasting my life, you would save valuable time for everyone else. No? Of course not - much better idea to not even think about bothering trying to get it ready until you decide that you are. I mean, why rush? Maybe, just maybe you would consider getting your purse out while you are in the queue waiting to be served? Oh no of course not because you are off around the store again looking for denture glue and a tin of peas. Prick.

10. Tills (c) - Self Service
WOW, the future is here - these tills allow you to scan your own stuff, BRILLIANT! there's a novelty! apart from it's not though is it - it's essentially the same as the other tills but without the till person doing it for you. Now it's not hard - you just scan the shit, put it in a bag and then pay for it. No, that's too hard for you isn't it. You handle each item like it's refined weapons grade Uranium and then jump every time the scanner beeps in encouragement to try and get to you HURRY THE FUCK UP. Then, you look back at the rest of the queue and smile in a "I'm so useless with these modern gizmos" way. I'm not smiling back at you - I'm thinking of ways to kill you with your shopping.

All in all, shopping is designed by cunts, attended by cunts and for cunts.